My whole life, up to now, I had no idea what I wanted to do and relied on others to help me make decisions – even the most simple, insignificant things like where to go for lunch. I know I have no one to blame but myself. I never thought of myself as a strong, capable, confident or intelligent person. I look up to those people; that could never be me. Voices in my head kept telling me I’m not enough, I’m unworthy, I’m weak, I’m incompetent.
I realised that I am a perfectionist and I cannot accept anything that is less than perfect. My expectation of myself was far beyond anyone’s expectation of me. But no one is perfect except for God. Even knowing this simple fact could not stop me from striving for perfection. Every assignment or task I’d been given was done meticulously. I could spend a couple of hours writing it, then double that time to editing, proofreading, perfecting it. It was mentally exhausting. I couldn’t bear the thought of sending something that had any mistakes in it. If I received feedback with corrections on it, I would feel shame and embarrassed, thinking ‘How did I not pick up on this?’ This side of me has grown and taken over a major part of my life. I found myself turning down or avoiding tasks and opportunities because I didn’t want to start or pursue something and not be able to achieve perfection. This is why I’ve never started writing the book I had always wanted, or blogging so infrequently that I cannot justify keeping a blog. I spend a long time drafting and editing Instagram captions or Facebook posts and sometimes end up not even posting them.
I fear that I may never live up to expectations. I fear that no one will accept me if I am not perfect. I fear no one will approve of me unless I do this or that. I fear that I will become inadequate, invisible, insignificant, unremarkable, unworthy, unloved, unwanted… These feelings are not new but I had never openly admitted to having them. They used to just be tiny voices in my head but now they are there EVERY minute or EVERY day and I’m tired of fighting them. I have never felt so alone and weak and ashamed.
Last night, I heard a beautiful song that pretty much sums up everything I’d been feeling – ‘You Say’ by Lauren Daigle. I needed to hear those words so much. It felt like God was speaking to me through that song. It made everything clear to me and made me realise I needed God’s help because I cannot do it on my own.
Lord, please give me the strength and courage to let go of my anxieties and insecurities. I know I am not as weak as I think I am. I know that you love me even with all my flaws, sins, imperfections and impurities. You do not care about those things. Help me to see that yours is the only acceptance, approval and love I need. It is your kingdom that I should seek, not worldly desires or acceptance because none of them are eternal. This is a season for spiritual growth and maturity. I have not been able to connect deeply with you because I cannot let go of my doubts and anxieties. I need you, Lord. I will put my trust in you. I will cast my anxieties to you. I will lay my life down to you. I will put everything in your hands.