Do you ever wish that your mind could be still and stop, really stop yourself from thinking? Can you control your mind to stop thinking, without thinking that you need to stop thinking?
My mind is always busy but I do not busy myself with anything that is actually productive. I think about writing rather than literally just writing. I think about going to the gym and never making it out the door. I think about travelling to faraway places and admiring the Northern Lights but I never book any flights. I think too much – overthink – but I never actually just do.
I am my own prison guard and will not let myself be free. I have crippling anxiety that makes me dread waking up in the morning. I roll around in bed thinking of all the possible outcomes of the choices that I may or may not make each day and play the worst case scenarios in my head like a never-ending nightmare, constantly replaying. The nightmares never come alive but they are so real in my head. I tell myself, ‘This is ridiculous’. I know it is ridiculous. Totally. Absolutely. Ridiculous. But they do not stop.
I get out of bed and think that maybe today is the day I start that great novel. Then I make myself breakfast and unlock my phone and open Facebook, Instagram and start mindlessly scrolling, liking, being baited by click-bait. Now, instead of feeling anxiety, I feel envious, yet judgmental. Why do I let myself do this? Oh, she’s pregnant again. How nice. Hmm, they’re engaged. Wonder if they’ll invite me to their wedding. What excuse can I come up with six months in advance if they do invite me? Please, don’t invite me. Oh, she’s travelling again. Does she even work? Are these photos even real? That is so Photo-shopped. Wow, you cooked yourself a home-cooked meal. Congratulations. It looks delicious. Does it taste as good as it looks? Oh, I haven’t posted a photo of my dessert from last night yet. Hang on. This filter makes it more vibrant. What hashtags shall I use? #aboutlastnight #applepietiramisuchocolatecakemacaronsoufflecremebrulee #latepost #toocutetoeat F*** I am one of them.
I hate that life only means something when you can capture it and make it public. Pics or it didn’t happen. It’s exhausting. I’m not above these people. I am these people. How much time is wasted on social media and mindless scrolling, silently judging, yet mildly envious of other people’s fake happiness, fake smiles, fake tans and fake relationships. This is why I have conversations with myself because I could never let my online friends know what is really going on. No one likes a whiner, complainer, party pooper, Debbie Downer. Those posts don’t get likes. They get insincere concerned comments and require you to elaborate on your shitty life and how much everything sucks, which somehow also make people think you are some attention-seeking-loser-loner-faker. You see, no matter what face you show people online, someone somehow sees you as a fake, a fraud, a loser looking for attention. I am also that someone. Maybe it is easier to just delete it all. Erase my online self. Forget about hashtags and likes and tags and comments. But who are we kidding? We all crave this need for attention. I know what the problem and what the solution is. But it’s not that easy. This is the world we live in now. We can’t stop or change how it is. I can see that. So maybe I should just take this as an opportunity to build a new image? Create a new me. Let’s start fresh… No more anxious overthinking.
Who do I want to become? What do I want others to believe about me?